Today, with the onslaught of technology where we meet people online, where we communicate with lovers via email and where we actually have sex using webcams, there is one tool of love that has changed very little. (No, not that one ladies.)
I am, of course, referring to Beer Goggles.
Beer Goggles are a wonderful bit of technology, used primarily by men, which allows men to get laid by dropping their standards even below their already ridiculously low threshold. Whereas the average sober man keeps rigorous standards when searching for his short-term mate, such as for instance, she must in fact be human; the man wearing Beer Goggles may have no such requirement.
Perfected by the East Germans and mass-produced by American beer companies, Beer Goggles are now a staple in most every single man’s toolbox of love. (Stored right between the Old Spice aftershave and bikini underwear.)
Despite popular belief, beer was not originally invented as a refreshing drink, but was in fact created to achieve the desired state of Beer Goggles. The refreshing taste of beer was purely an added benefit and allowed men to drink it even when women weren’t around, thus giving rise to Sports Goggles. (“Really,” says my quite drunk friend from Chicago. “This is the year that the Cubs win the Series.” And then he takes another swig of Sports Goggles.)
The strange thing about Beer Goggles is that they only seem to affect men. How often do you see a beautiful woman leaving a bar with a butt-ugly man?
Why is this? What is it about women that are immune to the effect?
In order to answer this question I did quite a lot of field research. That is to say I hung out in bars and tried to get women drunk. (Yes, there are certain benefits to this job.) What I found was that women do not seem to be affected by Beer Goggles in the same way as men.
True, many women do not drink beer, but I surmised that the affect of any alcohol should be the same. Perhaps then, it is the presence of tiny paper umbrellas that wards off the nasty effects of the Beer Goggles. I believe that when an ugly man hits on a woman who has had too many Mai Tais, the tiny paper umbrellas jump into action. They start performing a little dance, not unlike the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies, and they sing this little ditty.
(Sung to the tune of I heard it through the Grapevine)
I bet you wondered how I knew
That an ugly guy was hittin’ on you
Uglier than the one before
Time for you to run out the door
He took you by surprise, I must say
But you must still get away.Don’t you know . . .
That you’ve drunk too much wine
Get out now and you will be fine
Yes, you’ve gone through too much wine
Go home with him? Have you lost your mind!
Honey, honey yeah.I know you don’t want to cry
But now you must say goodbye
Cause when you’re sober you will see
That he looks just, like Mini-Me.
You could go home to his loft
And end up chew-ing your arm off
Don’t you know . . .That you’ve drank too much wine
Get out now and you will be fine
Yes, you’ve gone through too much wine
Go home with him? Have you lost your mind!
Honey, honey yeah.
Thus, the woman, now sufficiently warned by the tiny paper umbrellas, does not go home with the ugly man. That’s one theory.
My other theory is that woman are just far more intelligent and not nearly as desperate as men and getting them drunk is not going to change this. Frankly, I prefer the comfort of my first theory in that if I can figure out a way around those damn dancing paper umbrellas, I just might have a chance.
Copyright 2004 – 2008, Glenn G. Millar
The Millar's Tale 