Henry Ford was a God. No, not because he invented the car or even because he invented the assembly line. No, Henry Ford was a God because before Henry, there was no sex in cars. But then he bestowed, upon us, the backseat.
Today, your average car will do 0 – 60 in less than 6 seconds. And women know that most guys do the same thing.
Sex in cars is as American as Apple Pie. I believe there used to be a commercial like that. “Baseball, hotdogs, Apple Pie and sex in a Chevy.”
And it truly is an American thing. In America we make big luxurious cars. Perfect for having sex in. Did you ever try to have sex in a small foreign car? Years ago I was getting hot and heavy with a girl in her Mazda Miata when she suddenly said, “I can’t do this with you. It’s way too small.” My ego was seriously deflated until I realized she was talking about the car.
Another time we tried again, so I moved over from the driver’s seat to get on top of her in the passenger’s seat. It was at that point that I slipped and impaled myself on the stick shift. Now, everybody knows that the Miata is very popular in the Gay market. I, personally, know why.
Fortunately, in America we have SUV’s or Sexual Utility Vehicles. These things are bedrooms on wheels. I mean with the fold-down seats, the dual DVD players and the optional ceiling mirrors which mine has, what could be better? In fact, some SUV’s are so big, you can actually have sex standing up. Oh, you think it’s a coincidence they call it a Hummer?
Of course, if you plan to watch an adult video and have sex in your car, you need to follow two simple rules. Rule 1 – The car should not be moving at the time. Rule 2 – You should not be alone! Tracy Pope of Aiken, S.C. was recently arrested for not heeding either of these rules. It’s really true. I couldn’t make this stuff up. http://media.www.dailytitan.com/media/storage/paper861/news/2006/10/16/News/Driving.With.Porn.Americas.Latest.Distraction-2352138.shtml
Recently, my girlfriend and I started making out in her car. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex in her car. Sex in a car when you are 40 is far different than sex in a car when you are 17. When you are 17, you worry about getting pregnant. When you are 40, you actually have to remove the child car seats from the back seat before you can do anything.
We discovered some other problems too. For instance, while we were having sex, my foot accidentally hit the GPS system. Do you know how unnerving it is to suddenly hear a strange woman’s voice say,
“Move 3 inches to you left. Move 2 inches down. Now go faster. You have arrived at your destination.”
My girlfriend, on the other hand, thought it was the best sex we ever had.
But if that wasn’t enough, she accidentally hit the OnStar button.
“This is OnStar how may I help you?” the voice said.
My girlfriend moaned.
“Are you ok? Are you hurt?” said the voice.
My girlfriend moaned again.
“Ok,” said the voice, “An ambulance is on its way. I’ll stay on the phone with you until they get there.”
My girlfriend then screamed.
“Ok, calm down,” said the voice. “Everything will be ok.”
I started to moan.
That was about the time the ambulance arrived.
Copyright 2004 – 2008, Glenn G. Millar
The Millar's Tale 