Why is it that dogs and cats seem to like watching their owners have sex?
I actually find it very unnerving. I mean, what are they thinking? Are they taking notes? Are they comparing sizes? Who knows?
When my dog is watching, I can’t help thinking that he is saying to himself, “Hey that’s my move. And you stole it. And it’s not fair ‘cause it’s the only one I know.”
But maybe that’s just my own insecurities talking. Maybe my dog is thinking, “Now that’s a move I haven’t thought of. Maybe I’ll try that next time. If only I had opposable thumbs.”
I think cats are different though. I figure cats are thinking one of two things. Either it’s, “Boy, you guys make a lot of noise, even for cats,” or it’s, “Do you guys mind? I’m trying to sleep here.”
Compared to our pets, humans are very strange when you think about it. Dogs lick their own testicles all the time and yet, you never see one performing oral sex on another dog.
On the other hand, humans will perform oral sex all night on each other and then the next morning, when one of them asks to borrow the other’s toothbrush, they think that’s gross.
We are also the only animal that needs to work up to sex. First, we wine. Then, we dine. And then, maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get some. On the other hand, my dog has not once asked one of my house guests out to dinner before he started humping their leg.
Oh, true every animal has its mating rituals, but most of them are designed to show power. The peacock that spreads in plumage. The ram that butts heads with another ram. The insect that does an erotic dance. I tried an erotic dance for my girlfriend once. It did not end in sex. It did, however, end in a trip to the emergency room when I fell over the coffee table and broke my leg.
We also seem to be the only animal that needs to have sex in private. It’s a perfectly natural part of life and yet we are the only animal among thousands of species that have to do it behind closed doors. Religious zealots will tell you that’s because God gave us modesty. Perhaps God was thinking of what could happen if Rosie O’Donnell ever made a sex tape.
The other big difference between us and the rest of the animal world is the number of positions. Every other species has sex in one position and one position only, doggie style – which is a funny name because it’s also horse style, insect style, tiger style . . . you get the idea. Somehow the dogs got credit for it, though I doubt if they invented it. They must have one hell of a PR firm.
Anyway, the entire animal world has one position – doggie style. Unless of course you count the preying mantis – where it’s female on bottom; male pumps away, but doesn’t have a head. That’s right during the act of sex, the female preying mantis turns around and actually bites off the head of the male preying mantis. Now I know we all feel we have had this done to us euphemistically. But in the mantis world, she actually eats his head off.
But here’s the amazing part. The male never misses a beat. He continues to pump away at the female. I realize that women always joke that men think with their other head, but apparently in this case, It’s actually true!
But back to positions. There is only one basic sexual position in the animal world. Humans, on the other hand, are so advanced we have many, though there are four that are the most common. 1) Women standing – Man on knees begging and pleading. 2) Man on back – Women not home. 3) Man opening wallet – women accepting money, and finally 4) Man on top – Women looking up wondering what color she should paint the ceiling.
Copyright 2004 – 2008, Glenn G. Millar