Monthly Archives: March 2008

Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry . . . Oh Puleeeeeeease!

In the movie “Love Story,” Ali McGraw says to Ryan O’Neal, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”  It was incredibly romantic line that helped define the movie. Since this movie was made in 1972, I can only surmise that the writer was still high on all the drugs he had been doing in the 60’s. 

Love means never having to say you’re sorry?  Oh Puleeeeeeeease!  Actually, not only does love mean having to say you’re sorry, love also means buying flowers and expensive jewelry on a regular basis just to counteract your screw-ups.  In fact, men do this so much, women have begun to expect it.

Many years ago when I was happily married and still madly in love, I decided to do a really romantic gesture.  I decided to buy 4 dozen roses for my wife.  My plan was to create a path of rose petals from the garage, up the stairs into our house and into the bedroom, where the other 3 dozen roses would be.  So I went to the florist and I got my 4 dozen roses.  And when I got to the counter, the sales clerk actually said to me, “Wow, whatever you did must have been really bad.”

Not that I was immune to screw-ups in my marriage.  How could I not be wrong? I have a penis.  Have Penis + Wife Disagrees = I am wrong.  I believe this is known as “Descartes Law of Maleness.”  “I talk, therefore I’m wrong.” 

Actually my wife and I pretty much had a 50-50 split on arguments.  Half the time I was wrong and the other half on the time she was right.

Fortunately, I learned to counteract this inherent flaw in my genetic code by learning the I’m Sorry Head Nod.  Whenever I was wrong (defined by when my wife thought I was wrong and I didn’t feel like arguing) I got to do the I’m Sorry Head Nod.  This is actually a very simple procedure that any man can perfect with just a little practice.  First, hang the head slightly down, somewhere between 45 and 70 degrees.  Less hang than 45 degrees is not enough to show real regret.  More than 70 degrees and you are in serious danger of looking whipped.  Women don’t like whipped.  Women like strong men . . . who can admit they are wrong.  It’s a very fine line; one that the flying Walendas would have trouble balancing on.

Next, say the words, You are right.  I was wrong.  I’m sorry.  It is important to clearly enunciate.  Mumbling just pisses them off even more.  They think we are faking it.  Let me rephrase.  They realize we are faking it.  Of course, we are always faking it, but if we fake it with sincerity they might just buy it. 

Sometimes one repetition of You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry, will be enough.  In fact, the first time you say it, it usually is.  It catches them off guard.  There she is going off about how if you really loved her you would put the seat down, and you say, You’re Right.  I’m Wrong.  I’m Sorry.  She doesn’t know how to respond.  Suddenly, she is like a deer in the headlights.  “What is this?” her mind is saying.  “We were not expecting this.  He admitted he was wrong.  This does not compute.” 

If you try this strategy you will notice a sudden confusion in the female subject.  Think of it as the female equivalent of the computer’s blue screen of death.  Unfortunately, like the computer, she really only needs about 5 minutes to reboot and then you are back to square one.

Well, maybe not.  Most women will accept a real apology and will no longer be mad at us until the next time we screw up.  Unfortunately, this is typically 16.2 minutes later.  

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Copyright 2004 – 2008, Glenn G. Millar

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My Dog Likes To Watch

Why is it that dogs and cats seem to like watching their owners have sex?

I actually find it very unnerving.  I mean, what are they thinking?  Are they taking notes?  Are they comparing sizes?  Who knows?

When my dog is watching, I can’t help thinking that he is saying to himself,   “Hey that’s my move.  And you stole it.  And it’s not fair ‘cause it’s the only one I know.”

But maybe that’s just my own insecurities talking.  Maybe my dog is thinking, “Now that’s a move I haven’t thought of.  Maybe I’ll try that next time.  If only I had opposable thumbs.”

I think cats are different though.  I figure cats are thinking one of two things.  Either it’s, “Boy, you guys make a lot of noise, even for cats,” or it’s, “Do you guys mind?  I’m trying to sleep here.”

Compared to our pets, humans are very strange when you think about it.  Dogs lick their own testicles all the time and yet, you never see one performing oral sex on another dog.

On the other hand, humans will perform oral sex all night on each other and then the next morning, when one of them asks to borrow the other’s toothbrush, they think that’s gross.

We are also the only animal that needs to work up to sex.  First, we wine.  Then, we dine.  And then, maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get some.  On the other hand, my dog has not once asked one of my house guests out to dinner before he started humping their leg.

Oh, true every animal has its mating rituals, but most of them are designed to show power.  The peacock that spreads in plumage.  The ram that butts heads with another ram.  The insect that does an erotic dance.  I tried an erotic dance for my girlfriend once.  It did not end in sex.  It did, however, end in a trip to the emergency room when I fell over the coffee table and broke my leg. 

We also seem to be the only animal that needs to have sex in private.  It’s a perfectly natural part of life and yet we are the only animal among thousands of species that have to do it behind closed doors.  Religious zealots will tell you that’s because God gave us modesty.  Perhaps God was thinking of what could happen if Rosie O’Donnell ever made a sex tape.

The other big difference between us and the rest of the animal world is the number of positions.  Every other species has sex in one position and one position only, doggie style – which is a funny name because it’s also horse style, insect style, tiger style . . . you get the idea.  Somehow the dogs got credit for it, though I doubt if they invented it.  They must have one hell of a PR firm.

Anyway, the entire animal world has one position – doggie style.  Unless of course you count the preying mantis – where it’s female on bottom; male pumps away, but doesn’t have a head.  That’s right during the act of sex, the female preying mantis turns around and actually bites off the head of the male preying mantis.  Now I know we all feel we have had this done to us euphemistically.  But in the mantis world, she actually eats his head off.

But here’s the amazing part.  The male never misses a beat.  He continues to pump away at the female.  I realize that women always joke that men think with their other head, but apparently in this case, It’s actually true!

But back to positions.  There is only one basic sexual position in the animal world.  Humans, on the other hand, are so advanced we have many, though there are four that are the most common.   1)  Women standing – Man on knees begging and pleading.   2)  Man on back – Women not home.  3) Man opening wallet – women accepting money, and finally 4) Man on top – Women looking up wondering what color she should paint the ceiling.

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Copyright 2004 – 2008, Glenn G. Millar

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Filed under The Single Guy